I’ll have the "Making the Dead Roll Over In Their Grave" special, with a side of "Attention-Whore" and a Tall Glass of "STFU." Hold the ashes.

June 3, 2008 at 2:05 pm (Uncategorized)
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Hey, all. So, I know I haven’t written here or updated in a while…this is due to a couple complications. My reviews at 411Mania are taking a lot of my time…if you haven’t checked them out, you should. I’m having a lot of fun with them. :) Also, I’ve been trying very, VERY hard not to blog about the US Presidential race. For those who are long-time followers of my thoughts online, I get rather vehement around this time, and I thought it was probably best for my stress levels that I not.

However, that being said…I couldn’t help but post on this one. It’s too classic. First, from Friday, came the news that Converse was going to produce a shoe with pages from Nirvana frontman and grunge rock icon Kurt Cobain’s journals screened onto them. Yes, the man who hated celebrity and corporate America as much as anyone in the last twenty years or more gets his private thoughts plastered over people’s feet at $50-$65 a pop. Isn’t that AWESOME? I guess Courtney ran out of smack again…which is impressive, considering that just two months ago, she auctioned off all of her dead husband’s shit to Christie’s. But then, I guess when you’re as big of a crackwhore as Love is, you blow through it quickly.

People might think I’m being too harsh on poor Miss Love. I mean, obviously the woman has issues. No one can deny that. Maybe we should all just leave her alone? But clearly, not if we want her to let the Cobain name have any sort of legacy near what Kurt would have wanted. Every time this woman drops out of the news, she does something to leech off Kurt’s legacy and put her back in the papers. Hole, her band, wasn’t horrible, and her first album, Live Through This, was actually pretty good. But it wasn’t good enough for the fame she wanted…the fame she got when her husband died. And so she keeps going back to it, again…and again…and again. Whether it was licensing Kurt Cobain action figures, as well as his music for commercial ads, posing as the Virgin Mary with a Kurt look-alike as a dead Jesus, or executive producing the upcoming Universal Pictures film version of late husband’s life, it becomes increasingly clear that Courtney is set to turn Kurt Cobain into the money-making machine he never wanted to be in life.
Well, guess what? She’s at it again. From Spin.com:

Kurt Cobain is certainly in high demand: After his likeness was snatched by Dr. Martens, utilized by Converse, and his effects auctioned via Christie’s, an unidentified burglar has upped the ante, stealing the rocker’s remains from widow Courtney Love’s Los Angeles home.

According to an NME.com report (via News of the World), an unidentified robber entered Love’s Hollywood home and snatched clothing, jewelry, and Cobain’s ashes, which were kept in a “pink teddy bear-shaped bag along with a lock of his hair.”

“I can’t believe anyone would take Kurt’s ashes from me,” said Love. “I find it disgusting and right now I’m suicidal. If I don’t get them back I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Following Cobain’s 1994 death, portions of his ashes were spread near his Washington State home and at a New York Buddhist temple. The remaining ashes’ whereabouts were previously unknown by the public at large, and now, following the heist, are again lost to obscurity.

“They were all I had left of my husband,” Love told the Brit paper. “I used to take them everywhere with me just so I could feel Kurt was still with me. Now it feels like I have lost him all over again.”

Is it bad that my first thought was, “I wonder how much she got for them?”

I actually had a conversation with someone about this, and they likened the way Courtney was treated to Yoko Ono; people resent that Kurt died tragically, and sort of react overly venemously to her actions. Now, I’m not a huge Ono fan–frankly, if she never sang again, I’d be happy–but there is a huge, HUGE difference to me. Yoko, as much as a bitch as she can be, always showed respect for John and for John’s children. In fact, she is almost the opposite of Miss Celebrity Skin. Ono has a deathgrip on Lennon’s legacy and won’t let go; Courtney gets low on money and she hawks something new, or gives another interview talking about how many pills Kurt swallowed at X time or another, so clearly he was suicidal. While Julian and Sean Lennon grew up with their father’s public image being incredibly (some would argue overly) protected, Frances Bean Cobain…well. I shudder to think what she thinks of her father, the way her mom talks about him. Or what she thinks of her mother, for that matter.

And I will state, for the record, that it will not surprise me, one iota, if this is a publicity stunt by Love. In fact, I’d bet it is. And if it’s not…well, if his ashes were all you have left of your husband, maybe I should take a moment to point something out. You also have a daughter, who is as much of him as she is of you. You seem to forget that most of the time. Also, you might have more of him…IF YOU HADN’T AUCTIONED IT ALL AWAY!!!

So Courtney Love? Congratulations, you’ve earned the Ravyn’s Nest Image Award of the Day:

Your award is in the mail. Honest.

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This Just In–Fred Phelps Is a Monster

January 23, 2008 at 2:27 pm (Uncategorized)
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Wow.  You know, I knew this was coming, but…ugh.

From our good old friends at the Westboro Baptist Church comes a statement on Heath Ledger:

Brokeback Mountain star – Heath Ledger – is dead. WBC will picket his funeral.

‘Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind; it is abomination.’ Lev. 18:22. ‘For because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience.’ Eph. 5:6.

Yes. WBC will picket this pervert’s funeral, in religious protest and warning: “Be not deceived; God is not mocked.” Gal. 6:7. Heath Ledger thought it was great fun defying God Almighty and his plain word; to wit: God Hates Fags! & Fag-Enablers! Ergo, God hates the sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as ‘Brokeback Mountain’ – and He hates all persons having anything whatsovever to do with it.

Heath Ledger is now in Hell, and has begun serving his eternal sentence there – beside which, nothing else about Heath Ledger is relevant or consequential.

No, I’m not surprised that good old fucking Fred and the church will be picketing Heath’s funeral.  These are the people, in case you aren’t aware, who have been picketing soldier’s funerals because of the US’s “tolerance” of homosexuality.  They’ve picketed the memorials for Columbine, the Sago Mine disaster, and the Westroads Mall shooting, among others, and were going to picket the Virginia Tech Massacre memorials and the October 2006 Amish school shooting, but withdrew in exchange for an hour of radio time.  I could go on, but I’m not going to.  I’m not surprised, but I am sickened, as usual.  Phelps, die in a fucking fire.  No, seriously.  Please.  Walk into a fire and burn to death.  It’s the quickest way to Jesus.  God told me.  Seriously, we can do it together.

You go first.

–Jer

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Ledger Autopsy Inconclusive; TMZ & Other Gossip Sites Full Of Shit

January 23, 2008 at 2:06 pm (Uncategorized)
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Okay, so the second part of the title is my own thoughts and not real news…but hey, it’s not like TMZ reports real news, so turnabout’s fair play, right?

Anyway…from CNN.com, which is at least a less disreputable news source then Harvey Levin:

An autopsy Wednesday morning on actor Heath Ledger was inconclusive, and a cause-of-death determination will take 10 to 14 days, a medical examiner’s spokeswoman said.

The Academy Award-nominated actor was found dead Tuesday of a possible drug overdose in a Lower Manhattan apartment, the New York Police Department said. He was 28.

Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said Wednesday that Ledger was found face down in a normal sleeping position and not at the foot of his bed, as had been previously reported.

Kelly said technicians collected a $20 bill found in the apartment for testing, because of the way it was folded.

Flowers, notes and a candle were left by mourning fans on the sidewalk outside the Soho apartment building.

“You did great work and I know your fans were looking forward to what more you had to offer,” read one note.

Ledger’s former girlfriend, actress Michelle Williams, who was shooting a movie in Sweden, was informed of his death late Tuesday night, a movie production company spokesman said.

Williams left early Wednesday morning with 2-year-old daughter Matilda Rose, the spokesman said. Ledger was the child’s father.

Ledger, Oscar-nominated for his role in “Brokeback Mountain,” was found by a housekeeper trying to wake him for an appointment with a masseuse, said police spokesman Paul Browne.

Browne later told reporters some prescription medications were found in the room, including sleeping pills. He said the pills were not “scattered around,” as had been reported.

No note was found, and there was no indication of foul play, Browne said.

“As previously reported.”  “As had been reported.”  Both of these facts were reported primarily by TMZ, which is a gossip site.  And I’ve been noticing something interesting with the Ledger death; almost everyone’s been going to TMZ or PerezHilton.com to get their news.  My initial thought goes something like this:

ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’ve made the occasional foray to TMZ or TheSuperficial.com while I’m bored at work.  Why?  Because I’m an admitted pop-culture freak, and I can usually get a chuckle out of something there.  But when I want real news?  I go to the BBC or Associated Press reports, or maybe CNN.  I don’t go to a place where they don’t even try to hide the fact that they’re posting sensationalist crap in order to get website hits.  I mean Jesus H. Christ, gimme a fuckin’ break.  Yes, TMZ sometimes gets something right.  When they’re reporting every gods-damned hour about whatever tiny little tidbit they can pull out of the traffic cop who was assigned to guard the front door, they’re bound to get SOMETHING right.

The latest news, of course, is that TMZ was reporting that drug packets and white powder on the $20 bill in question; information that reputable sources contradict.  Ahh, TMZ, always looking to smear someone’s reputation, even post-mortem, for a “headline.”

I guess you can’t expect any better from them, though.  After all, Harvey Levin, the scumbag legal reporter who famously nearly caused OJ Simpson’s murder case to get thrown out by inaccurately reporting that prosecutor Marcia Clark searched OJ’s home before a warrant was issued, is most known for such crap as Celebrity Justice.  And he was named 2007 Journalist of the Year by a media watchdog site called Tabloid Baby.  Sounds impressive, right?  Not when you realize Tabloid Baby’s rationale…

“Who did more damage to entertainment reporting in 2007 than Harvey Levin?… he and his gutter operation… almost singlehandedly transformed Hollywood entertainment reporting into a gutter-level street battle fueled by self-hatred, jealousy and anger, with no concern for what once determined greatness, excellence or fame…”

Yeah, that’s some great credentials, Harvey.  Asshat.  My TMZ-reading days are officially fucking over.

Oh, also…side note that pisses me off.  Who owns TMZ?  That’s right…Time-Warner/AOL.  The same people who own CNN.  Deplorable.

Shit like this really pisses me off; when someone’s dead, the last thing you should be doing is posting unfounded speculation about how they died.  Heath Ledger has family.  He has fans world-wide.  He has a DAUGHTER.  They don’t need to hear this shit.  I mean, yes, do I post snarky shit about Britney Spears & Amy Winehouse, Paris Hilton & Lindsey Lohan?  Of course.  But will I be pointing and laughing when they die?  Hell no.  Because in death, people deserve respect.

Except for Fred Phelps, but that’s a whole different bucket of worms.  I’m calling in sick and holding a fucking party the day Phelps kicks it.

–Jer

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Mitt Romney is All About the Bling(?!?!?)

January 22, 2008 at 4:48 pm (Uncategorized)
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I was going to lay off the posting after the two I’ve put up today…but this one’s just fucking classic.  Mitt Romney, Republican candidate for the Presidential Election this year, has done a hell of a lot to scare me.  No, I don’t care that he’s a Mormon, for the record.  I do think the man is the political equivalent of a used-car salesman, who will do anything to sell you a car get elected.  I also about fell out of my chair when, during the YouTube Republican debates, he tried to wordsmith his position that waterboarding wasn’t torture (and slammed the ACLU at the same time so he could pander to the crowd), something that fellow candidate John McCain immediately slammed him for.

Do you think he’s willing to say anything to get him elected, too?  Well, here’s support for our theory.  From the New York Times:

Mitt Romney, whose 1950s manner and celebratory drink of choice call to mind a milkshake man more than a rap singer, gave a shout out Monday that left no doubt that he had spent little time listening to hip-hop.

Mr. Romney, the Republican candidate from Massachusetts by way of Michigan and Utah who enjoys a milkshake at the end of a long day, stopped by a staging area for a Martin Luther King Birthday parade here. In his dress shirt and tie, and with his unwavering smile, he walked over and posed for photographs with a group of black youngsters. Putting his arm around a teenage girl, he waved to the cameras and offered, “Who let the dogs out?” He added a tepid “woof woof.”

Somewhere, the Baha Men, the Bahamian group whose 2000 song the candidate was referencing, must have been shuddering.

Kevin Madden, one of Mr. Romney’s campaign boyz on the bus, said the candidate had been joking around and had responded to someone who asked, “Who let you out?”

Later, Mr. Romney admired a child’s gold necklace and said, “Oh, you’ve got some bling-bling here.”

He spoke of Dr. King at an earlier appearance in Jacksonville, calling him “an individual who showed in many respects how to bring down some of the barriers to fulfill the promise of the Declaration of Independence.”

It has been rare to find the Republican candidates speaking at events with any significant number of black voters. Some 96 percent of the voters in the last Republican primary, in South Carolina, were white; 2 percent were black, according to exit polls conducted by The State, a newspaper in Columbia, S.C.

Mr. Romney also issued a statement that the “failure of our inner-city schools is the greatest civil rights issue of our time.”

……….who let the dogs out?  Woof woof?

Wow.  That’s just…wow.  Un-fucking-believable.  I have never, in my entire life, seen someone be more blatantly disingenuous in order to pander to a crowd.  Mitt Romney is about the absolutely whitest man in the race for the presidency.  He’s the most polished politician in the race, bar none, and everyone knows it.  For him to try and sound “hip” and “with it” with shit about bling-bling and letting the dogs out makes for one of the funniest (and saddest) stories in the campaign so far.

Did he seriously think anyone would believe he knows what it’s like to be black, or connect with the inner city population with this crap?  Jesus H. Christ, Romney.  You fucking dolt.

Yo, keep it up, dawg.  You gonna watch yo’ presidential chances flip on the down lo somethin’ quick.  Fo’ shizzle.

–Jer

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Catch a Tiger By The Toe…And It Will Eat You

January 17, 2008 at 1:18 pm (Uncategorized)
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All right…I’ve been trying really, REALLY hard not to comment on this particular news story, but I just can’t anymore. For those who aren’t aware, the story goes as such: on Christmas day, the San Francisco Zoo’s Siamese tiger Tatiana escaped from it’s enclosure, attacking three young man shortly after closing time. After escaping from the tiger grotto, Tatiana killed 17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr. and injured two 19-year-old Amritpal “Paul” Dhaliwal and his 23-year-old brother Kulbir. The brothers fled to the zoo cafe, and Paul’s screaming alerted a zoo employee, who called 911. Police arrived on the scene as the tiger tracked the brother’s, either by a trail of blood or other means, ignoring other patrons. The police found the tiger with Kulbir but did not shoot, according to the SF police chief, as they could not be assured of not hitting the man. After distraction, the tiger turned towards the officers, and was shot and killed. The Dhaliwal brothers received deep bites and claw wounds on their heads, necks, arms, and hands, but their injuries were not life-threatening, and they were released from the hospital on December 29, 2007.

Okay, that’s the basics. Now we get to the fucked-up parts.

There’s a lot of fault to be found here, and some of it falls with the zoo. To start with, it turns out that the moat wall of the grotto was on 12.5 feet tall, well below the American Zoo Association’s recommended 16 feet (and way below the zoo’s first statement that it was 18 feet). Also, the zoo had been fined almost 18 grand for a previous attack by Tatiana on zookeeper Lori Komejan almost exactly a year prior, citing inadequate precautions and staff training. So the SF Zoo did fuck up on this one, no question.

But what about the attacked men? Oh, get ready for this.

To start with, zoo-goer Jennifer Miller claimed on January 3rd that she saw the men, and a fourth individual, at the big cat grottos less then an hour before the attack, and three of them were taunting the lions. The only one who wasn’t was the later-killed Sousa. “He wasn’t roaring. He wasn’t taunting them,” she recalled. “He kept looking at me apologetically like, ‘I’m sorry, I know we are being stupid.’ ” Irony can be quite cruel. In addition, investigators found an empty vodka bottle in the car, a shoe print on the railing, and the newest revelation, which came today, is that a 9-inch rock, a tree branch, and pine cones were found that came from trees that were not near the tiger’s enclosure.

So, long story short…despite the brothers’ claims, both to the police (who they’ve been described as “hostile” to) and to Sousa’s mother, they were pretty damn assuredly taunting Tatiana in a drunken (and possibly high) stupor, thus provoking the tiger to attack them.

What. The. Fuck.

You know, when I was growing up, I went to the zoo more then a couple times. And any time I would tap on the glass, I’d get the riot act read to me by my parents. And deservedly so! My parents, while they aren’t the leftist hippy-esque nature-lover I am, have a little thing called “common sense,” and had no desire to see their children become cat food. But you know what? Even without that, when I was in my late teens/early 20’s, I could do the math. 130 lb. me vs 300 lb. tiger = TIGER FUCKING WINS! Game over, no reset, no back to the last save point. You throw a rock at an angry dog in your neighborhood, odds are it’s gonna come after you. And that’s a domesticated animal. This is a tiger. And you know what I call this? Darwinism at work. It’s survival of the fuckin’ fittest, and those three just weren’t fit.

Accounts state that paramedics taking the Dhaliwal brothers to the zoo by ambulance had overheard Kulbir tell his brother, “Don’t tell them what we did.” They actively refused to refused to give their names to authorities or identify Sousa–and in fact, lied to Sousa’s father when he called before the attack to locate his son, saying he wasn’t with them. Sorry, boys, but your credibility is officially in the toilet.

The only individual I feel bad for is Tatiana. That tiger was only doing exactly what tigers do. They get provoked and threatened, they attack. Why this is a surprise to anyone is utterly beyond me.

Of course, for the rest of the world, this is just a story of “tiger on rampage! Animals aren’t safe!” And you know what, maybe that’s what it should be. Maybe, if one good thing can come out of this, people will remember to remember that nature can be a dangerous place, and will treat it’s denizens with just a little more respect from now on. It’s just sad that such has to come at the cost of what will surely be a suffering in zoo attendance, if only in the short term before stupid people go back to tapping on the glass.

Wild animals aren’t cute, people. They’re beautiful, they’re majestic, but like Carlos Sousa Jr., the abhorrant Dhaliwal brothers, and people like Timothy Treadwell (killed along with his girlfriend by a bear after he was living among them without safety precautions) have had to learn the hard way, they’re dangerous. Anyone who doesn’t respect that, to be frank and kind of harsh, deserves exactly what they get.

–Jer

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Ravyn’s Year In Review: Movies

January 9, 2008 at 4:47 pm (Uncategorized)
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Yes, folks…it’s time. A year has come and gone…and I could expound upon a long, involved and heartfelt restrospective about life, love, joy and loss, how I’ve changed and grown, my successes, my failures, and all that reflective stuff…but I’d rather talk about what’s really important.

Movies.

For those of you who know me only by my WordPress here, and not my LiveJournal, this is a yearly thing I do. The format is generally the same from year to year (this is the third year); I present my Top Ten and Bottom Five movies of the year. I list the ones I have not yet seen, and catagorize them.

Everyone got the format done? Cool. Then let’s get bumpin’.

Ravyn’s Top 10 Films Of 2007

Honorable Mention: The Invisible, Waitress, Breach, Mr. Brooks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Ratatouille, Shoot ‘Em Up, 3:10 to Yuma

10. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix — While I know there’s a lot of Potter-haters out there (mostly due to backlash against it’s success, I tend to think), the movies are pretty good about translating the books into faithful film adaptations. Potter-Nitpickers, shut up right now. I know that things get cut out of the movies. Guess what? This happens. Next time, tell your beloved Rowling to not write 600-800 page books, and maybe less will get cut. Anyway…I came into this movie with high expectations; Order of the Phoenix is my personal favorite of the books. And if those expectations had been a bit lower, maybe this film would have ranked higher. I can’t deny, though, that director David Yates captured the darker, more mature overtones of the book. The film almost seems a social commentary in some parts, with Dolores Umbridge (played to perfection by the always excellent actress Imelda Staunton) acting as a near-symbol for the oppressive, Big Brother-esque environment we live in, post-9/11. The film is shockingly adult, but in a good way, and the cast does the work justice. Theater and independent film work in-between films has done Daniel Radcliffe an absolute world of good, as he’s grown by leaps and bounds from the somewhat awkward performance he gave in Goblet of Fire. A film that stands on it’s own as good, as well as a great chapter in the series.

9. Disturbia — This one was a very, very pleasant surprise for me. I’d always liked Shia LaBeouf before this from his bit roles in Constantine and I, Robot, but I had certainly never seen him as the kind of guy who can carry a film. This one really changed my mind–and many film-goers, from the almost-shocking $80 million gross. LaBeouf acquits himself admirably in a clever remake of Rear Window, updating the Hitchcock classic to modern times. Playing on the paranoia that’s affected the world in the last few years, it delivers a taut, suspenseful story with some great acting from both Shia and David Morse as the suspicious neighbor. I came away from this movie amazingly surprised, and that was enough to make it one of the best movies of the year.

8. Live Free or Die Hard — The trailer for this film had me on my seat. The friggin’ TRAILER, people. So I was all about seeing this, and it certainly didn’t disappoint. The great thing about John McClaine, and why he’s one of the greatest action heroes of all time, is that he doesn’t walk through things unscathed…he’s not a super-trained military assassin with invincible kung fu skills. The man gets the crap kicked out of him in every film…the bad guys hurt him badly, and he’s always out-matched. But he continues on, because someone has to, and he always beats the odds. Often bleeding badly, but cackling like a psycho. Yes, the film is far-fetched. But it’s a hell of a lot of fun. Justin Long is amazing as Matt, the hacker pulled into a situation FAR over his head, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead shows that Lucy McClaine is going to be a bad-ass, just like dad. This was the summer film of the year, without a doubt.

7. Talk To Me — If you’re like most of America, you haven’t heard of this one. It was released the week that Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix came out, on a whopping 193 theaters, and grossed a whole $4.5 million. It also features two of the performances of the year, from Chiwetel Ejiofor (the Operative from Serenity) and Don Cheadle. Based on a true story, it shows the friendship and business relationship between Dewey Hughes (Ejiofor), a manager at a Washington, D.C. AM radio station in the late 60’s and early seventies, and his deejay, Ralph “Petey” Greene (Cheadle), an ex-con who found his way into the deejay job. It’s one of the funniest and most touching films of the year, and honestly, the fact that neither actor has been mentioned as Oscar potential is criminal. I rented it on a lark and found myself riveted. I suggest you do the same.

6. Halloween — Yes, I’m gonna get haters over this one. Some people hated Rob Zombies re-imagining of the film that gave us Michael Myers. They cited too long of an intro before getting to the killing spree, or pointlessly brutal, or what-not. Personally, I found this to be one of the few times an iconic movie villian was given a back-story that worked, and it did so largely due to the cast and Zombie’s vision. The entire film is unquestionably Zombie, with his personal style all over it, and that, in the mind of a man who considered The Devil’s Rejects to be an engrossing, amazing film, is a good thing. Filled with many of his personal cadre of actors loyal to him (William Forsythe, Shari Moon Zombie, Danny Trejo, and more), Zombie knew exactly how to pull amazing performances out of them. The best come from Moon Zombie as Myer’s mother in an exceedingly human and real performance, and newcomer Daeg Faerch, who is an absolute revelation as young Michael. This kid pulls of psychopath exceedingly well, being charming and normal one moment, and then, with a subtle change, absolutely terrifying. Malcolm McDowell fills Donald Pleasance’s shoes well as Sam Loomis; the only misfire is Scout Taylor-Compton as Laurie Strode, who comes off as annoying and unsympathetic. All in all, the best remake of a horror film yet.

5. Zodiac — I had this one pegged early as what would be my favorite film of the year. My favorite serial killer, Robert Downey Jr., Jake Gyllenhall, and directed by David Fincher of Fight Club fame. I really didn’t see where this could go wrong…and it didn’t. While some few people were disappointed that it wasn’t as scary as they thought, those who had paid attention to the trailers knew this wasn’t going to be a high-octane scare movie. Instead, it was one of the most well-done criminal investigation movies of all-time. Based on a pair of books by Zodiac expert Robert Greysmith (protrayed in the movie in a top-notch manner by Gyllenhall), the film is an engrossing, well-acted procedural thriller, incredibly guided by Fincher’s deft hand. It was a film I had a lot of expectations for, and it didn’t let me down in the slightest.

4. Reign Over Me — When I first heard about an Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle (yes, him again!) film about the World Trade Center, I was admittedly skeptical. Mainly because that was all I’d heard, and I had just seen the well-made but somewhat exploitive World Trade Center from Oliver Stone and didn’t think we were ready for more of those kinds of films. Then, I heard the plot, and I figured I should give it a chance; Cheadle is gold, and Sandler can turn in some good dramatic performances when needed. I’m utterly glad I did. Much like the other Cheadle entry here, Talk To Me, this was a film that was funny at times, incredibly touching at others, and very heart-felt. Sandler gives the performance of his career as Charlie Fineman, a dentist who lost his wife and daughter in the Trade Center and has isolated himself completely from his old life as a result. Cheadle is also fine in the harder role of the straight man, the college roommate who runs into Charlie and has to help him get better. The screenplay is beautifully well-constructed, and the actors are up to the admittedly difficult challenge it gives them. A weak performance from Liv Tyler as a young psychologist is the only bump in this road well worth travelling.

3. Grindhouse — Anyone who saw my review of this film knows how much I loved it. That it wasn’t more successful is disappointing, yet not totally unexpected; it is a niche sort of film, after all. Now, if only QT and Rodriguez will release the double feature-edition DVD, I’ll be able to buy it and be a happy man.

2. Stardust — Neil Gaiman, for those unfamiliar with his writing, is the best thing going in fiction. Fuck Rowling, fuck King, fuck anyone else. None of them are as talented, as utterly amazing in terms of the written word as Gaiman. Having made his name in the comic book industry with the inestimable Sandman series, he moved onto novels and short stories, as well as Hollywood. I have a host of books I could recommend…but that’s for another time. Stardust, directed by Matthew Vaughn, is based on one of his novels. I cannot say enough good things about this film. While it veers from Gaiman’s story, it captures the essence beautifully, and Vaughn brings great performances out of Michelle Pfieffer, back to her sexy, evil ways as the wicked sorceress Lamia; Rupert Everett as dastardly, fratricidal Prince Secundus; Claire Danes as fallen star Yvaine, and Robert DeNiro as the best cross-dressing pirate of all-time (yes, I really just said that). Relative newcomer Charlie Cox is wonderful in the demanding lead role of Tristan, pulling off fresh-faced and nerdy, all the way through the transition to confident hero. Add in great special effects, wonderful supporting performances from too many people to mention, and a great soundtrack, and it’s easily one of the best films of the year.

1. Hot Fuzz — I will admit to having surprised myself with this one, because before I saw it, I didn’t think it would make my top 10 list at all, much less #1. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Shaun of the Dead, and I’m as much a fan of action films as anyone. But I was expecting this to be a fun, silly film that I’d enjoy, then forget about. How wrong I was. Hot Fuzz is not a spoof or parody of action movies as much as an homage to them, with a sly sense of humor thrown in. Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost have made the ultimate buddy action film right here. As much as I was laughing with this film, I also found the action sequences very well-done, the performances top-notch, and basically, everything about the film enjoyable. I don’t know what else to say except that it was, truly, the film to watch of 2007.

And now, we move onto the stuff that had me swearing at the TV (sometimes, I mean that literally). We had, frankly, some real shit come out in ‘07. I suggest wearing a filtration mask while reading…this crap’s so bad, it may just be communicable.

The Scummy Bottom of The Barrel–Ravyn’s Bottom 5

Dishonorable Mention: Skinwalkers, Macbeth, The Messengers, Primeval, Evan Almighty

5. The Hitcher — Sean Bean, what the hell were you THINKING?? You’re one of my favorite actors to come out of Lord of the Rings. You had such promise, being far better then the material you were in in such films as National Treasure and Troy. Since then, though, I’ve had to wonder about you. I mean, Flightplan was bad enough. Then, there was The Island. Silent Hill was forgivable, because it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. You’ve about expended my goodwill, though, with this one. To start with, a remake of The Hitcher was completely fucking unnecessary. Second, to turn a cult film like the original into a cheap torture-porn wannabe (you’ll be seeing this phrase a lot, readers) was beyond a bad idea. Third…yes, you were the best thing about this waste of celluloid. That’s not saying much. Better start finding some better roles, or you’re going to fall off my personal “actors I enjoy watching” list. And, I imagine, several other peoples’.

4. Captivity — Ahh, more torture porn. Let me start by saying that this film, like most of the torture porn genre, failed to even deliver on shocking content. While this film was best known for the controversy surrounding the MPAA punishing them for gratuitous ads, the final judgment is that it’s not original, it has no cohesive plot, and seems to just be an excuse to make poor Elisha Cuthbert, in one of her worst performances ever, scream and panic. There’s no real mystery for who’s doing it, and one is left thinking “Okay, the point of that was…?” at the end. From start to finish, an utterly worthless, pointless film.

3. Epic Movie — And you thought Captivity was worthless and pointless. I’m not a fan of the “From one of the creators of Scary Movie” parody films…Date Movie was the top of my list for worst move of ‘06, and the only thing that saved this utterly freaking retarded film from that fate was far worse movies this year, because Epic Movie is, if you can believe it, worse then Date Movie. The film-makers (and I use that term VERY loosely) just string one film reference after another in hopes that something will prompt a laugh. It doesn’t. It’s just boring and, sometimes, offensively so. And, of course, we have another one coming out this year…a “parody” of 300. God fucking damn you, Hollywood. You suck.

2. I Know Who Killed Me — I can’t even review this one without cracking up. Seriously, I tried. I was laughing too hard to type it up. Lindsay Lohan…poor girl. I just…I don’t know what to say, other then this. It’s a spoiler, but trust me, you want me to spoil this torture-porn wannabe for you. She plays stigmatic twins. That’s right…you heard me. Stigmatic fucking twins. In other words, when one of her gets her leg chopped off by a serial killer with possibly the least solid motivation for doing so in cinematic history, the other one loses her leg too. With NO explanation of how this works. You still wanna see this one? If so, you deserve what you get.

1. D.O.A.: Dead or Alive — How can something be worse then stigmatic twins? Hmmm, let’s see.

a. take a fighting video game and more-or-less sanitize all the fighting
b. cast Jamie Pressley as a professional wrestler, and try to play it seriously
c. write dialogue that a stoned monkey with a brain tumor could do a better job then.
d. have the most inept wire-fu of all time.

See? Making the worst film of the year is easy! *GroinKick*

And now, the semi-long list of movies I didn’t see:

Movies I Haven’t Seen That I Must:
30 Days of Night
Across the Universe
American Gangster
Alien Vs. Predator – Requiem
The Game Plan
White Noise 2
Beowulf
Charlie Wilson’s War
Dan in Real Life
Enchanted
Hitman
I Am Legend
I’m Not There
Lars and the Real Girl
Martian Child
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
Saw IV
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
The Darjeeling Limited
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
We Own the Night

Movies I Haven’t Seen And I Will:
Death at a Funeral
Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Freedom Writers
Georgia Rule
In the Land of Women
License to Wed
The Invasion
The Lives of Others
The Namesake
A Mighty Heart
Amazing Grace
August Rush
Awake
Becoming Jane
Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead
Bella
Death Sentence
Evening
Gone Baby Gone
Good Luck Chuck
Home of the Brave
Hot Rod
In the Valley of Elah
Interview
Into the Wild
Lions for Lambs
Meet the Robinsons
Mr. Woodcock
No Reservations
Perfect Stranger
P.S. I Love You
P2
Pride
Rendition
September Dawn
The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising
Things We Lost in the Fire
Resurrecting the Champ
The Ex
The Golden Compass
The Great Debaters
The Mist

Movies I Haven’t Seen And Won’t:
Alvin and the Chipmunks
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters
Are We Done Yet?
Because I Said So
Bee Movie
BRATZ
Code Name: The Cleaner
Daddy Day Camp
Delta Farce
Dragon Wars
El Cantante
Feel the Noise
Firehouse Dog
Fred Claus
Happily N’Ever After
I Think I Love My Wife
Kickin’ It Old Skool
Love in the Time of Cholera
Lucky You
Lust, Caution
Mr. Bean’s Holiday
Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
Nancy Drew
Norbit
Paris, je t’aime
Pathfinder: Legend of the Ghost Warrior
Redline
Reno 911!: Miami
Slow Burn
Stomp the Yard
Sydney White
The Abandoned
The Astronaut Farmer
The Brave One
The Comebacks
The Host
The Jane Austen Book Club
The Last Legion
The Last Mimzy
The Lookout
The Perfect Holiday
The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep
This Christmas
Tyler Perry’s Daddy’s Little Girls
Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married
Underdog
Who’s Your Caddy?

Normally, I would give out my personal Oscar predictions, but the nominees haven’t been announced yet, so I’ll hold off until they are.

Think I’m wrong? Wanna discuss? Feel free. I’d like to see what YOU guys think the best and worst of ‘07 were.

–Jer

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Guns N’ Roses Gets Someone Else Arrested

December 14, 2007 at 6:43 pm (Uncategorized)
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It’s a music day, it seems. This particular piece of “What the Fuck”-ness is credited to 411Mania:

Guns N’ Roses Song Mistaken For Death Threat

A school custodian’s after-hours karaoke performance prompted a police response when a teacher thought she was being threatened over the loudspeaker. State police say a teacher at Booth Free School in Roxbury, Connecticut barricaded herself inside a classroom Wednesday when she mistook someone singing a Guns N’ Roses song over the public address system for a threat. She was working after hours and thought no one else was in the building. Then she heard someone say over the loudspeaker that she was going to die.

Six troopers and three police dogs showed up and found three teenagers, one of them a custodian at the school, who had been playing with the public address system. Police say one of them sang “Welcome to the Jungle” into the microphone. The song contains the lyrics “You’re in the jungle baby; you’re gonna die.”

The teenagers were cuffed on the ground for about 15 minutes while police investigated. They were released after being questioned and state police Sgt. Brian Ness said they did not realize the teacher was in the school and will not face charges.

Okay…wow. Now, don’t get me wrong, if I was working late at a school and I heard “You’re in the jungle baby…you’re gonna DIEEEEEEE!” come out of nowhere, I’d probably jump myself. However, I feel the need to point this out:

The lyrics to “Welcome to the Jungle”

You see that? You see where the offending lyric is HALFWAY into the song? Now, if they literally just shouted that one line into the loudspeaker–which it doesn’t seem like is the case, per the above story–maybe. MAYBE it’s worth calling the cops (though me, I’d just be the smart person and get the fuck out of the school). Otherwise…someone needs to listen to some hard rock STAT, take a chill pill, stop watching horror films, and get a clue. If someone’s gonna kill you, they’re not going to announce it over the school loudspeaker first. THEY’RE JUST GOING TO KILL YOU!

And lastly, to the would-be rock stars…welcome to the 21st Century. You weren’t even alive when Appetite For Destruction came out. Go rock out to Fall-Out Boy or Stuffing Gerbils or whatever crap band is filling the “Alternative Rock” airways now. G N’ F’n R is MY crap music, and you can’t have it!

–Jer


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Ravyn’s Douchebags Of The Year Award Winner!

November 20, 2007 at 11:40 pm (Uncategorized)
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So, last week, I posted about the suicide death of Megan Meiers as a result of a sick, sadistic, twisted act from the parents of an ex-friend down the street. The parents in question had not been named. That’s changed…and more sick details have come out as a result of the Smoking Gun’s publishing of the police report about it.

Most of it is sick enough, but allow me to quote the worst of it (bolding, italicizing, and underlining is mine, for emphasis):

In reference to their daughter’s suicide, Drew explained she wanted to “just tell them” what she did to contribute to the Meier’s daughter’s suicide. She instigated and monitored a “my space” account which was created for the sole purpose of communicating with Meier’s daughter. Drew said she, with the help of temporary employee named “Ashley”, constructed a profile of “good looking” male on “my space” in order to “find out what Megan (Meier’s daughter) was saying on-line” about her daughter. Drew explained the communication between the fake male profile was aimed at gaining Megan’s confidence and finding out what Megan felt about her daughter and other people. Drew stated she, her daughter, and Ashley all typed, read, and monitored the communication between the fake male profile and Megan. Drew went on to say, the communication became “sexual for a thirteen year old.” Drew stated she continued the fake male profile despite this development.

Right there. See that? Right there. An adult created a fake identity, the communication with a thirteen-year-old became sexual, and she continued. That’s a motherfucking crime. Or if not…if SOMEHOW, this isn’t, it fuckin’ should be.

The parents are named in this report. Lori and Curt Drew. Well, congratulations, Lori and Curt Drew. You’ve just been named the winners of the First Annual “Ravyn’s Douchebags of the Year” Award. I’d make a statue, but unfortunately, the Ebola virus can’t be made into a plaque.

Since then, according to reports, the Drews have been constantly harrassed. They’ve been targeted with vandalism, prank phone calls, paintball attacks and a “prank” call to the local police which led to “as many as 15 deputies [drawing] weapons and [charging] the home.” GOOD. You drove a thirteen-year-old to suicide, you sick fucks. You deserve a little harassment.

I could post their contact information, but frankly, that’s beneath me…and if you wanna find it, just look for “Megan Meier” on the internet, it’s been published ALL over. I won’t harass them, but I would hardly blame anyone who did.

Meanwhile, there’s legislation being considered to fit this into a crime. Apparently, it doesn’t fit the 2006 federal statute against internet harassment because most of the harassing messages were MySpace bulletins, not direct messages. Yeah…THAT’S a huge distinction.

Again. People fucking suck.

–Jer


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People Make Me Fucking Sick

November 13, 2007 at 5:51 pm (Uncategorized)
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Wow…okay, so this is the week of rants, it seems…but I don’t think I know ANYTHING that can top this one. This is, quite possibly, the most sick, disgusting, unbelievable story I’ve ever heard.

Which story, you ask? This would be the story where (get this)…adults taunted a teenage fucking girl in their neighborhood into SUICIDE on MySpace!!!!

Yes, I’m really serious. I wish to the GODS I wasn’t, but I’m 100% fucking serious about this. It’s not a fake…two people actually did this. For those who don’t want to read the entire story, here’s a selected synopsis:

Josh had contacted Megan Meier through her MySpace page and wanted to be added as a friend.Yes, he’s cute, Tina Meier told her daughter. “Do you know who he is?”

“No, but look at him! He’s hot! Please, please, can I add him?”

Mom said yes. And for six weeks Megan and Josh – under Tina’s watchful eye – became acquainted in the virtual world of MySpace. …

Megan went to her room and Ron [her dad] went downstairs to the kitchen, where he and Tina talked about what had happened, the MySpace account, and made dinner.

Twenty minutes later, Tina suddenly froze in mid-sentence.

“I had this God-awful feeling and I ran up into her room and she had hung herself in the closet.”

Megan Taylor Meier died the next day, three weeks before her 14th birthday.

Later that day, Ron opened his daughter’s MySpace account and viewed what he believes to be the final message Megan saw – one the FBI would be unable to retrieve from the hard drive.

It was from Josh and, according to Ron’s best recollection, it said, “Everybody in O’Fallon knows how you are. You are a bad person and everybody hates you. Have a shitty rest of your life. The world would be a better place without you.” …

The neighbor from down the street, a single mom with a daughter the same age as Megan, informed the Meiers that Josh Evans never existed.

She told the Meiers that Josh Evans was created by adults, a family on their block. These adults, she told the Meiers, were the parents of Megan’s former girlfriend, the one with whom she had a falling out.

Are you FUCKING kidding me? What the fuck is wrong with people??? Your daughter isn’t friends with someone anymore, so you manipulate yourself into their confidence under false fucking pretenses, and then torment them like a sadistic kid with a gods-damned magnifying glass?

There’s no criminal charges to be filed, apparently, because there is no crime to apply to this. There fucking ought to be. Those parents should be facing SOME kind of very, VERY serious criminal charges. Instead, Megan’s family suffers, the father has a misdemeanor charge of property damage, and the trauma has split them apart…they’re getting divorced.

This is the fucked-up criminal justice system we live under. If this couple (who frankly, should have damn well been named, they deserve NO protection WHATSOEVER for what they’ve done) had done these exact same things for another purpose, they’d have been talking to Chris Hanson on Dateline: NBC right now. But because they sought to inflict mental and emotional trauma, not sexual, it’s all okay in the eyes of the law.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is seriously–VERY seriously–wrong.

To the sick, deranged individuals who not only did this, but have professed to not feeling all that guilty? Go to hell. There’s something very wrong with you two, and you should be in jail right now. A teenage girl is dead, because of you. Make no mistake…you’re murderers. And you’re going to have to deal with that the rest of your gods-damned lives.

Christ, I hate people. Absolutely fucking hate them.*

–Jer

*This statement doesn’t apply to you good people out there. Fret not.


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CNN Proves Once Again That They’re Douchebags

November 12, 2007 at 2:26 pm (Uncategorized)
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Okay, so as those who were reading this blog in June know, I’m a pro wrestling fan. A pretty huge one. What with the Chris Benoit murder-suicide incident and all, the last few months haven’t been particularly fun ones to be a fan of the squared circle. The mainstream media have been all over pro wrestling (and in some ways, very rightly so) about the latest hot-button issue–steroids, human growth hormone, & performance-enhancing drugs. As I said, in some ways, they’re very right…steroid abuse is and always will be a problem in sports-entertainment, no question, and I haven’t commented on it because I felt I wore out my wrestling rants on Benoit and how shittily that was covered.

This time, however, the MSM has simply gone too far, and it’s muthafuggin’ rant time. Fasten your seat belts.

So, CNN, which has never been a paragon of journalistic integrity in the first place (but at least used to be able to claim a better job then Faux…err, FOX News) produced a documentary program called, with it’s usual lack of taste and sensationalist attitude, “Death Grip – Inside Pro Wrestling.” The program was about the use of steroids & the like in pro wrestling. While no one expected this thing to be particularly fair and balanced, they did start off semi-okay.

Then they got to John Cena.

John Cena, for those not in the know, is pretty much the flagship worker in the WWE. A three-time WWE Heavyweight Champion, he was also the star of his own movie (a surprisingly good 80’s throwback-style action time-waster called The Marine) and cut his own rap album, also surprisingly good (shockingly so, in fact). I’m not being overly kind here because he’s a wrestler…they were actually quite good, for those who like those genres. Cena is currently the brightest star the WWE has, and has unfortunately been sidelined with a (legitimate) torn pectoral muscle.

CNN interviewed John Cena about the topic of steroids and performance-enhancing drugs. During the interview, Cena did what everyone would expect a pro wrestler do, and makes himself and the industry sound bad. Very, very bad. Regarding the issue of whether he’s used steroids, Cena says “I can’t tell you that I haven’t…but you’ll never prove that I have.”

Or does he? I now present to you, as evidence…two videos.

The footage as aired in “Death Grip”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVm29YcTNMM

The Unedited Footage, as posted by WWE.com: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkj-vd-q5A8

……….yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah.

Seriously, people. Is the wrestling industry THAT fucking untouchable that CNN needs to make up shit like this? I mean, seriously, let’s run down the list.

  • Chris Benoit kills his wife and son, then himself. He’s found with elevated testosterone levels.
  • 66 professional wrestlers who died before the age of 50 (for various reasons, mind, not just drug-related)
  • Joanie Laurer (Former WWE wrestler Chyna to the majority of the world) being an absolute train-wreck on several celeb-reality programs, and just recently legally changing her name to Chyna and challenging Vince McMahon to a real fight.
  • Stupid parents who let their kids watch wrestling and don’t give them any guidance, then blame wrestling when they hurt and kill each other, such as Derek Garland and Lionel Tate.
  • WWE wrestlers failing steroids tests (for which the company is, to be fair to the WWE, now suspending the wrestlers and making such suspensions public…and even firing them or letting them quit, as is the case with Chris Masters and Booker T).
  • The entire image that professional wrestling has an engenders about being a pseudo-sport for ignorant, inbred, idiotic hicks to watch.

And that’s just for starters. So no, we really don’t need some shitty documentary piece-mealing together a response from the one guy still in the business who’s really, strongly considered a role model for kids giving a smarmy response. Fuck you, CNN, for lazy journalism and a complete lack of professionalism. I really don’t care that you’ve changed the documentary now that WWE has fired back at you (it now is accurate, and Cena says “Absolutely Not” when asked), I hope you get the SHIT sued out of you over this.

(And yes, I know CNN is probably not liable for this misrepresentation in that proving the slander as malicious would be difficult. They SHOULD be liable, though.)

Fucking assholes.

–Jer


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